I Am a Hermit Crab & My Husband Hates Possums

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a cat. I had pet cats, loved cats, collected cats (not live ones… not dead ones either… you know what I mean). But most of all, I like pretending I was a cat.

The resemblance is actually uncanny though.

I have given serious thought over the years to which animal I would become, if I had access to such sorcery.

For a while, I considered the sloth:

They’re cute, quiet & slow-moving.

3 things I appreciate in an animal candidate.

I’m also quite fond of the noble possum

Possums are adorable if you look at their body segments individually, but puzzling if taken as a whole. I admire this strange effect.

But my husband, Jesse, finds them repulsive, which is entirely unfair and unfounded.

I think this possum is cute and I am right.

HE thinks it looks like, “a furry tube sock stuffed with angry sewer rats.”

He’s wrong (and crazy), but whatever.

Thankfully, I remembered an animal that no rational-minded person can hate:

The hermit crab

This guy right here.

My mom has always been into hermit crabs. She used to want a hermit crab terrarium built into a dining room or coffee table.

I thought this was crazy until just now when I googled “terrarium table” and saw that it’s actually a thing.

Anyway, it has become clear to me that the hermit crab is me in animal form.

And I have proof. Look at what happens when you take passages from articles about hermit crabs and make it about introverts instead.

The original passages about hermit crabs are on the left. My rewrites are on the right (substitutions in bold). Clickable links to the original articles are at the end of this post. Also I changed the “he”s to “she”s so that it fits me. Not because of any gender assumptions about introverts.

Case closed. No comment on whether or not Jesse bathes me.

There was one article that would have been very amusing to rewrite, but also very macabre, and I decided not to go there… yet. If you’re feeling dark, try your hand at it here: Cannibalistic Hermit Crabs Salivate at the Smell of Their Dead.

So… that is your Christmas present from me. The knowledge that you can learn about the behaviour and care of introverts simply by looking up how to have a hermit crab as a pet. (Definitely the one about sweet food is true.)

Yes, you just read a post about me identifying as a hermit crab.

Merry Christmas!

AMUSE ME:

What animal would you be and why?

Articles cited: