Social Anxiety in the Bedroom #2: 15 Shockingly Honest Thoughts

Content warning: If you are related to me and/or a client and/or a former employer and/or a little squeamish about hearing details of my brain on sex, you may want to skip this one. (Obviously you’re welcome to read on if you’re cool with this topic.) The previous post is not about sex, and it’s here: Social Anxiety Is Standing In My Way Today. No worries, no pressure. xoxo


People are sometimes surprised when I say my social anxiety doesn’t “go away” when I’m with my husband.⠀

And I totally get where the surprise is coming from, but the reality is that social anxiety is present even when I’m by myself.⠀

Because my mind is always with me.⠀

Social anxiety is a disorder. It’s not the same as shyness, which can fade with familiarity with someone. ⠀

I definitely don’t experience social anxiety symptoms as intensely with my husband. But they’re still there. They’re always there. ⠀

And I know from chatting with others that it can be hard for a non-anxious partner to understand just how ever-present the disorder is. ⠀

Especially when it comes to sex.⠀

And I can empathize with that, too. If I’m getting naked with this other human, shouldn’t that mean I’m fairly comfortable with myself in this situation? ⠀

Yeah. No. Social anxiety laughs at that naive hope. ⠀

Today, I’m sharing a very incomplete list of anxious thoughts I’ve had in the bedroom. I hope it’s relatable and helpful and makes you feel less alone.


15 Socially Anxious Thoughts I Have During Sex

  1. Exactly how clean am I right now? When’s the last time I peed/showered/used a baby wipe
  2. What’s the last thing I ate? Should I brush my teeth, or will that be *too* fresh?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  3. Why am I wearing my [insert geeky graphic tee] again? (He has legit said, “Is it a Foxy Mama kinda night or a Snaxolotl kinda night?”)
  4. Should I take charge? I don’t want to take charge.⁣⠀⁣⠀
  5. Have I gone on top yet this month? This season? (I’m not against going on top, it’s just that I’m always tired and also it’s also a very tummy-flappy position and when I’m on top, my knee pops, and that makes me feel old. I don’t want to feel old.)⁣⠀⁣⠀
  6. Oh shit, does 𝘩𝘦 think I’m old?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  7. Ow, my hip.⁣⠀⁣⠀
  8. Do I look weird from this angle?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  9. Am I boring? ⁣⠀⁣⠀
  10. Do I look old from this angle?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  11. Oh god I just saw my tummy. It looks like a waterbed. Don’t look down. Never look down.
  12. Am I looser since having the kids? Mental note to ask him after.⁣⠀
  13. Is my climax face weird? Mental note to ask him after.⁣⠀⁣⠀
  14. Is he bored? Definitely don’t ask him right this second..
  15. Wow, that was an intense 10 minutes mentally. Anyway!

Parting Thoughts

These worries are real, but I’ve presented them in a lighthearted way.⁣ This is also a shortlist.
⁣⠀
I don’t necessarily have 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 thought above in this 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵 order 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 time we get naked. ⁣⠀
⁣⠀
But… I definitely have had all these thoughts often enough to write them down. ⁣⠀

There’s a lot more to say about the intersection of (social) anxiety and sex/sexuality.

But I think I’ll leave it here for now.

This post originally appeared as two posts on Instagram. This one and this one:

View this post on Instagram

𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴… 𝗦𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝘅𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗱𝗿𝗼𝗼𝗺. ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘥𝘢𝘺'𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘨𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵! 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶! 𝘹𝘰𝘹𝘰⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ 𝗜𝗺𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲: ⁣⠀ These worries are real, but I've presented them in a lighthearted way.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ I don't necessarily have 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 thought below in this 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵 order 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 time we get naked. ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ But… I definitely have had all these thoughts often enough to write them down. ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ 𝗠𝘆 𝘀𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝘅𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗯𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗱𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗲𝘅: ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Exactly how clean am I right now? When's the last time I peed/showered/used a baby wipe?⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ What's the last thing I ate? Should I brush my teeth, or will that be *too* fresh?⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Why am I wearing my [insert geeky graphic tee] again? (He has legit said, "Is it a Foxy Mama kinda night or a Snaxolotl kinda night?") ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Should I take charge? I don't want to take charge.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Have I gone on top yet this month? This season? (I'm not against going on top, it's just that I'm always tired and also it's also a very tummy-flappy position and when I'm on top, my knee pops, and that makes me feel old. I don't want to feel old.)⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Oh shit, does 𝘩𝘦 think I'm old?⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Ow, my hip.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Do I look weird from this angle?⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Am I boring? ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Do I look old from this angle?⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Oh god I just saw my tummy. It looks like a waterbed. Don't look down. Never look down. ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Am I looser since having the kids? Mental note to ask him after. ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Is my climax face weird? Mental note to ask him after.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Is he bored? Definitely don't ask him right this second. . Wow, that was an intense 10 minutes mentally. Anyway! ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ 𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀⁣⠀ 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘹. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝟸𝟸𝟶𝟶 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘹𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦. ⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗼 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗮𝘆 𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗽𝗶𝗰.

A post shared by Social Anxiety & Perfectionism (@blushyginger) on

12 thoughts on “Social Anxiety in the Bedroom #2: 15 Shockingly Honest Thoughts

  1. Thanks for convincing me that even if I do find a spouse and have sex, my worries will not be over! 😉 Seriously, thanks for sharing, it must have taken some bravery. No one ever talks about this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sex is really quite gross. In a good way, but still gross, with sounds and smells and things flapping around. I can definitely see how that would be food for the social anxiety monster.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OMG you are so brave to share things I have thought soooo many times – and I have a fun and healthy sex life with my husband of 14 years whom I adore but…still…I get anxious and feel so self conscious! It’s so hard to shush that voice and just let go. Thanks for being brave and helping me know I am not alone. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank YOU so much for sharing back! It’s a bit taboo to talk about in some circles but I’ve always been comfortable as long as others are okay with me taking the first step of talking about it.

      I totally relate to your comment!

      Like

  4. very very well done for talking about Anxiety and SEX ..very very RARE talk about .YET SO VERY EFFECTING
    i have Panic Attacts ware i am Vomiting .people never see the every day effects there views/judgements are very Snotty Nosed .i have m.e . migraines .ibs .list goes on .i take part in a lot lot research
    my blog.http;//mark-kent.webs.com

    twitter,supersnopper

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does, actually. We are very very open about sex and bodies, so he has been one of my biggest supporters in becoming more comfortable with myself and intimacy.

      I know it can be hard, though… it’s good that you try anyway xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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