What if

Cozy, warm.

Duvet and pillow.

Big spoon, little spoon.

Drifting…

a car crash a plane crash a train crash a house fire a cliff Niagara Falls choking leukemia–

STOP. Stop. Stop.

Breathe in.

Out.

Hold hands.

Drif–

drowning freezing did I lock the door house fire oh god their terrified faces their tortured screams I want to tear my brain out break-in will they need therapy someday not good enough bullying body shaming what if they grow into serial killers what if I pass on my anxiety are all character flaws hereditary

Breathe. Take a deep–

don’t bother I should have said no I should have said yes I should have done the laundry I shouldn’t have had dessert why am I so disorganized why am I so anxious am I teaching healthy eating habits will she hate her body too one day how can I spare them from this if I don’t sleep I’ll be so tired tomorrow mom called these thoughts worms in the head and my worms are demons of the night and they just won’t stop and when I close my eyes all I see are all the ways my babies could be destroyed by this world make it stop by me make it stop by my worries make it

STOP. Exhausted. Sleep.

Repeat.

One thought on “What if

  1. Sadie,
    This is powerful – the unleashed mind during the stillness before sleep, cruel and relentless. You depict this frightful dilemma quite well for those who haven’t experienced it.
    Uncle Mike

    Like

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